ahh! ahh! Am I happy? Sad? Excited? Scared? Angry? Nervous? I don't even know how I feel right now. I think I am grouchy? wel I don't feel on top of the world thats for sure. It just seems I have a million things to do - but I'm going and leaving and not going to get them done. Also, as usual, I have this odd sense of some dark and unforeseen crisis looming up my walkway. I ahve no idea what it is, but I just havce this dark cloud whispering - something bad is going to happen any moment. I think its one of those, nothing can go this well for too long - things. Yes, my life, conditioned to always doubt the good times. Sad isnt it? But I can't say that, most of the time things work out really well. Wait, hold on. Look at my life now, right now. Ok, I lied, things always work out. Even if I cn't find my passport tmw and I avhe to call and reschedule my flight - I know that I'll pay some money and I'll get another flight in a few days. Things will work out - it will be ok. Enjoy life while you can. Or as a good friend would say, Life has a bright side - Look on it!The key point to recognize is that the 'looking' part ahs to be a conscious decision on your part. Really its a condtional statement relying on YOU. I have not been the most optimistic person lately. Manly today and yesterday. I have been low and slow and bitter. Very unhelpful. i should have helped my mom more today, I feel so bead that I forgot Mckay's dentist appointment. And I messed up her kitchen, and I didn't make her dinner, and, and, and, And I'm going to do my best to be at school with her tmw., Even If i have to stay up all night and - miss my (jk - I can not miss my run). But I will try my best!
I made orange rolls today, they were pretty much amazing. WellI haven't tasted one yet, but they smelled and looked amazing, so if those two are accounted for then the third is pretty much a given. Ok, I really need to get syked up for my trip, its just that I feel so ... not ready. And thats so stupid because what does it feel like I've been doing everyday for this whole break? GETTING READY! but the truth of the matter is that, I did not get ready. I procrastinated. I was lazy. I was unproductive. It is my fault that I am up late and still not together. Ok can I list my fears for tmw just so I can get them all out of my head?? (Note: I normally would NEVER do this - because writing down your fears is consciously recognizing them which seems to make them even more real and likely than when they are just in your head. Maybe I shouldn't verbalize them...bad carma)
*luggage TOO heavy at the airport. I'll have to move aside like an awkward person and rearrange my bags.
*I can't find my passport in the morning, call eva tell her I need to change my flight. feel stupid for a few minutes, call karie see if she can look for it - move on
*forget to bring a gift to my family
OR * bring a gift to my family but its stupid and they hate it. And I feel stupid becasue Keri brought an even cooler gift
*Keri hates me. She doesn't seem to respond to my emails very excitedly and I'm the only one who asks questions, does she want to be my friend??
*I get lost in germany
*My carry on is too heavy I cant lift it in the overbin carrier
*I don't have something I need.

Ok that feels better already. At least now I ahve faced my fears, now I can overcome them. Ok Susie - just be Brave - have fun - wear a huge smile on your face. Just have a blast, ok? Thanks - ttyl