New Years Plans

I am going to Jersey!!! You know how once in a while, you have these plans or things that you have to do. - Things that you know if you do them, they will be somthing that will last a lot longer than jsut the time that took to do them. That is waht my trip to Jersey will be (at least I hope, but i'm pretty sure). Its not a small thing for me to go up there either. This is big time sacrifice, money - who almost 100 bucks, I hope not more, and I'm missing family time here (even christmas doughnuts - I know) but Julia drinkwater is a girl who rocks my world, and helps me grow everytime I talk to her. I am excited to go spend some time with her and her family. Jersey, here I come. !

Discovering My Quest

So I decided to start a book. Not really abook being my main objective, but really a determination to find a solution with similar reaserch that usually goes into a book. I decided that this will be the best way for me to find the answers I ahve been looking for. The number one being; what controls my happiness? As a woman I am contanstly plagued by the rollarcoaster of feelings. Sometimes I'm up, and then the next minute I'm down. I can never predict how I am going to feel from moment to moment day to day. My mood is like running faucet, I can't grab it and control it, its moving through my hands and escaping through my fingers. "Just stop! Just be happy!" I want to yell. Why do I eat one thing, or do one thing 'wrong' and my body and self-control just goes down the drain. The stupid thing about it all (it being my fragile state of emotions) is that I know what things make me happy and what things lead to depression, (eat right, excericise, and pray) but what is it that keeps me from doing them? Or establishing a lifestyle where I constatnly live and protect this key habits? see, I have no idea. That is what leads me to my quest. To get to the bottom of the solution, figure out what I am doing wrong. Because, I am definitely not living in a way that brings about self-esteem or happiness. And basically, I have the rest of my life ahead of me, this is not something that I want to be dealing with forever. I am on a quest to find out how to control my happiness, so that I can live in ways taht make me happy. if you want to follow along you can visit my site, controllinghappiness.blogpspot.com where I will be documenting my expermentations.

As you grow up, a lot of things about you change, but a lot stays the same too. Its striking to see what characteristics, habits, interests never leave you.
* still doodle over everything
* I used to draw a lot more than I do now, but I guess thats how time is in elementary school
* lists of what
* plan parties and events
* always thinking or planing something, starting something new (halloween party, newspaper drafts, family trees)
*very creative - collage, word art, people -families
* never good at spelling
* presidential award
* dramatic kid
* visual learner

Spain?

Why am I going to spain? I have no idea. I am going to tour around on a little bus, with a camera hanging from my neck like a noose, and big gawking eyes popping from behind my sunglasses caught by empty 'oOhs' and 'aAhs' of things I can't appreciate past the image thereof. Cultured? the word has become cliche - its not just going to far historic places, is it? it has to be something more. People always swear on their lives on the amazingness of their study abroads. right? Is it true? their experiences? can they be trusted? I don't know exactly what i am looking for by flying away to live in a foreign country for four months, but I want it to be more than jsut the tourist experience. I want to bring back a scrap book of native friends, and personal relationships, things and places that I am attached to, for more than just the I-have-visited-there reasons. Is that even too much to ask? I am going to be rooming with Keri Anderson. We both know each other from freshmen year. Actually, she was one of the first people that I met. I remember going down to their apartment and asking them to come out and play volleyball. She was there at the field the first day I met Bryce. (who's bryce? I don't know) I know that she wants to get a lot out of this trip too. Especially language opportunities, maybe we can both make goals to practice a lot with or host family and with each other. We can help each other make this a worth while trip. it's gotta be so, I gotta make it be so. O and susie, you have to stop eating to the point of a stomach ache - every time! geez, do you ever learn?? Ow! Ow! my stomach hurts too much, I can't move, I can't think, I can't do anything! Ow! Ow!

Home again Home again

Hello, I have been home for a number of days now. Actually I have not counted or kept track of the days. Time itself has become insignificant and meaningless. It is a weird transition to make from the hectic time crunching school schedule. I have slept more in these few days than I did in half a semester. I feel lazy and unproductive and fat yet I have no motivation to change the circumstances. Except the idea that keeps running through my head, 'you are lazy and unproductive and fat.' Should I go running? I want to go, but what will I find once I get there? Probably the nice relaxing and calming feeling that exercise guarantees. But I'm to tired to get my running shoes. Karie went to get her hair cut. She didn't even tell me she was going out. She has woken up before me every day since we've been home. Do you know how weird that is? when I'm in bed and I hear her moving around outside my door, I somehow feel less driven to get up. "whats the point, I've already missed the opportunity to be the early riser- might as well stay in bed longer." yup, thats how people screw up their lives. I'm glad I can be the exampler of this.

I am so tired. but making progress.

A small testimony

Hello, so school and life involved has been pretty hectic lately. As of now, I have the dread of a ten page paper about the American Dream looming over my head. I am now trying to learn to deal with pressure without losing control on every other area of life as I tend to do. Just a few weeks ago for example I had a large-kinda big deal - project due for Bible Lit. I stopped running in the morning to give more time to study, stopped sleeping, stopped econ hw, stopped Spanish hw, stopped calling friends and being there for roommates. Basically the little - stabelizing things in my life fall apart so I good devout more time to my project. and it wasn't worth it in the end. SO no matter how stressed out I become about this Am. Studies paper I am going to try to NOT let everything else fall apart. Wish me luck .

Friends

I hope I have a direction. A place to be going. I am going, I am moving, I am chasing and climbing - now I know why I have been unhappy - I haven't been climbing or stretching myself. Its all about vision. Ok - 80% vision - (but that makes up all motivation, excitement, fun, happiness) the rest is movement - also important but more of the peak if anything. Its hard to be good on the extra things when you are still struggling to accomplish the mandatory little things. Ok but let's look at some pictures. I want to remember being happy - was I? Did I know where I was going? Did I care as long as it was going somewhere. = )

a new beginning

O I think that I was a little upset last time...I would apologize but I can't! Life is like that sometimes - the ups and the downs, but they are both equally important in shining the stone!